Part 2

PART 2-

WHY SHOULD MY FAMILY EVER HAVE TO SUFFER A LOSS I HAVE HAD ENOUGH LOSS FOR ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

Now here is where I feel like I should explain why it is so hard for me to actually show emotions. I have had more loss than any one person should ever have to go through. In my thirty years I have buried 2 girl friends, 3 close friends in high school, a great high school track coach and this all before I entered the Marine Corps. My emotions came to an all time constipation of sorts on my second tour in Iraq. I lost many friends while deployed and even more marines lost since I have been home. Due to leading Marines when you lose one you seem to have only one choice: suck it up, be strong and accomplish the mission. So I was a good Marine I never cried “real men don’t cry” was even part of a speech that was given to us while serving in Iraq by a general so I took it to heart. It worked great for the Marines and fighting but for a family man it is a tragedy. My wife married a man who only knew one emotion and that was anger. And unfortunately when my emotions come they come strong.  The past two years I have been doing some real unveiling of my emotions. I had the pleasure of attending a men experiential retreat in July called EdgeVenture (edgeventure.org). This one weekend experience stripped away layers of emotions that I have buried for years. After one weekend my wife said “She sent away her husband and got back her best friend”. I have been working my ass off to change and be more like the man God has created me to be. I have been going to counseling weekly for almost 5 years and trying to change but until attending my EDGE weekend I have not been able to cry and release emotions until then.

Well here it is 10pm Monday night in the hospital, kinzley and Braxton have left with Bill and Jackie. I had a few tears flow with bekah and then my sister in law Natalie came to bless us with a visit. She brought her ipod and worship music and her life experiences. She shared anything we asked about and it was nice to see her and how well she is doing. 2 years ago she lost a child at around 11 weeks. I still was not fully connecting to the whole idea of losing a child and the dreams that come with it. Natalie hung out till at least one am. Bekah fell asleep shortly after Natalie left the room. But her blood pressure alarm kept going off every 5 minutes so it kept waking her up they finally wheeled in an extra bed at 2am for me cause I looked uncomfortable on the floor I guess.

3am and all I hear is Bekah yelling my name to get up she is crying. I looked over at our oh so great nurse and she looked scared. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and hopped up from the bed after an hour of sleep and ran to Bekah’s bed side. The nurse had accidently broken her water trying to insert the next round of medicine. The nurse ducked behind the curtain and called someone on the phone I did not hear what she said but Bekah did and she started to get freaked out and cry harder than before. I got her calmed down and I had to go into the bathroom and get sick I have no clue why but I had to puke. I did as fast as I could put in some gum and got back out to Bekah as fast as possible. When I got out of the bathroom Bekah told me that the nurse said that she felt extremities and bekah thought that meant that the baby was coming apart so I called the nurse back into explain, I was pissed. You made a comment that scared the hell out of my wife and when the attending came in all she said was your baby is sideways and you are going to not push, your body will just push the baby out and you call us to get it when that happens. So I said what the hell is going on I was half asleep can you explain what is going on, and is our baby in pieces? She said, “well the baby will come on its own and I don’t know if it’s in pieces.” Great thanks for freaking nothing. Bekah by this point was getting scary worked up and all I could think about was her having something happen to her cause her blood pressure was already dangerously low. So they intravenously gave her a medicine to help her with anxiety. All I could do was hold her hand and tell her I was here with her. (I swear you feel so useless and helpless in that situation). I then called both our moms and told them come quick her water broke. So at 4:01 am Tuesday morning bekah grabbed me and started helplessly crying the baby just came. So I got her to lay down I lifted up the blanket and saw my daughter. I hit the call button. Looked at bekah and made sure I was holding her I felt a tear on my face land on my hand I watched the nurses’ scoop up the baby and placenta with their hands put in into what looked like a silver dog bowl and take it over to the counter and separate the baby from the after birth. Then I heard it one of the nurses say to the other “do you think they are going to want to hold this.” I was enraged and just as I was about to blow my top the other nurse said “it’s a girl.” I looked in Rebekah’s eyes and I broke, I crumbled over on the side of the bed held Bekah and wept. I wanted a girl so bad. I love kinzley so much and was so excited to have another little princess in the family. even now as I type this out the tears are running down my face. They cleaned off my angel Corbyn and asked us if we wanted to see her and hold her. Umm yeah who wouldn’t want to see their child? I did as I held her small perfectly formed body I wept. How amazing is our God that can make something like that out of nothing. She had my nose and little ears. She had Bekah’s lips, long fingers and toes. Just amazed at how connected I was to this little 7in 2.7 oz baby girl. I have no clue how but from that point our nurse flipped a switch and turned into the perfect nurse. It was like she knew what to do once the baby arrived but the rest of the night prior to that it was like we got the nurse on her first night.

The staff was so good from this point on they treated her with the upmost respect, honored Corbyn as a life and us as having lost a life. The extra steps that the staff and others went to truly made the day one to never forget. A handmade layette to lay Corbyn in, wrapped in a handmade blanket, a memory box with footprints and a birth certificate we felt cared for and taken care of.

Bekah and I had other names picked out for boy or girl but we had to choose something different those, other names meant life and blessing here on earth and it just did not feel right. So bekah and I searched for less than 24 hrs for meanings of names and found Corbyn meaning ascending to God or to one who is with God, and Elizabeth meaning – consecrated or set apart. So the name was set she is with God and is set apart from this earth.

My mother and mother in law showed up by 4:30 and we all just held Corbyn and cried for what felt like days. By 8:30 they left my mom to the gym to hit the boxing gear with her trainer to take out her grieving and sadness, and Jackie home to take care of my two children at her house.

By 11am I was ready to get out of there. We had seen the Chaplin and everyone else. I was so tired and they said we would be out of there by noon. I wanted to get Bekah home and in bed to sleep and be in peace. But then we had to say good bye to Corbyn and I was not ready to do that. I took pictures all morning of the baby. I would have regretted not taking them and by this point I already was carrying too many regrets. We finally said goodbye to Corbyn by holding her praying over her and giving her over to God all while listening to worship music.

We were finally released to go home at 3:30pm Tuesday afternoon.

PART 1 - A HUSBAND AND FATHERS HEART.

The verse of my life that has gotten my through so much fear and pain is

2^nd timothy 1:7 – for God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love power and a sound mind.

Wow I have no idea where to start. As so many people read Rebekah’s blog and are touched by her sharing her heart, I am being asked how am I doing through all of this?  I am not a writer at all so I am apologizing up front for my mistakes.

From a father and husband

             I will start with Sunday night (3-27-11) lying on the couch watching Army wives and crying over the content of the show. It was about a family whose husband and son were deployed in Afghanistan. Now this was already hard for me to watch because of the war scenes it sometimes brings nightmares for me. What came next was more than a nightmare. The father was sitting back from a distance listening to his men advance, and take back an area of the Afghan country and in that mission his sons life was taken. Watching the father get the news was so hard to watch. Man, that guys is a great actor because he put into action the way I felt when I got the NEWS. Now at this point,  I look over at Bekah and she says I would not be able to ever handle anything like that. I knew in my heart the truth about how strong she is. I told her you are stronger than you think you are and you also will never know what you can do until you are in those shoes. Even now I feel regret for not hitting the floor and praying protection over my family.  

            Fast forward to Monday morning Bekah headed out to get a maternity massage (taking kinzley to her moms); I took Braxton to the VA medical center with me. I take an anti anxiety medication and I have been out for a while and I felt the need to go get some that morning (I now know why). After leaving the VA I called bekah and told her I was running to Lowes and then headed home to work on a few projects around the house because I also took off school this next quarter (again now I know why I took time off school) so I had the time. Somehow when I stopped at home to get money I left my phone on the counter and I never seem to leave home without it. So poor Rebekah was calling me and the house phone in a panic for me and as I walk into the house the phone starts ringing and as soon as I pick up she is broken with grief and tears. My first thought is that she was in a car accident. Then she says “Phil can you come over here I need to tell you something” and I hit the ground saying noooooo. Then I screamed FUC*** and before I got out the K Braxton looked at me scared so I stopped and told Bekah I was on my way as fast as I could get there. Now here is a kind of Funny part at least it got me smiling the day of. Braxton was so cute as I was driving he kept saying “FUC daddy what wrong”? over and over again. Now on any other day I would have corrected him or never said it in the first place but unfortunately this was no ordinary day. Again I feel such regret for not going to the routine check up as a husband and father you want to protect your wife and children from pain and if you can’t keep them from pain you want to hold them through it. And I WAS NOT THERE for Bekah or Kinzley in that time of need and I am freaking pissed at myself for that.

            As I arrived at the OB’s office with Braxton in my arms I step into the office to see my sweet Kinzley behind the counter teary eyed coloring pictures and she looks up at me and says daddy I am coloring these pictures for mommy so she won’t be sad anymore because she is in the Dr’s room crying. So I give her a kiss and say grandma buckeye is on her way to pick you and your brobro (that is what we call Braxton) up so mommy and daddy can go see a new Dr. at the hospital. Now I feel like an ass for dumping my kids off on my mother in law and not even taking the time to explain anything to them.

            Walking down the hall to the room where Bekah was in was a numbing punch in the gut experience. I had no idea what I was feeling, if I was feeling, let alone what the hell was I going to say to Bekah. My beautiful wife was so broken. She fell into my arms as I walked into the room. She just kept saying they could not find a heartbeat. My thoughts as I held her were DO the damn ultrasound again I don’t believe you, or hey machines don’t work all the time and until I see it with my own eyes there is still a chance that this is not happening. So her OB came into the room and let us know the plan from here. I was thinking I like plans at least I can do what the Marines taught me to do Follow a plan. I think I was still numb at this point not feeling and I could see on Bekah’s face that she wanted to know why I was not emoting. I was too occupied with the plan both the Drs and my own and I was doing them both. OB’s plan step one- we needed to head over to St. Anns and check into a triage room on the labor delivery floor. So we did. (oh and if you work at the Ft. desk please read the chart cause when you tell a lady welcome and enjoy your delivery and the info is in her chart you need smacked-I’m just sayin). My plan step one – call family and get prayer started as much as possible, call my two dudes Scott, and James and vomited all my words and thoughts of all the crap that was happening on their voice mails and to please pray.

            Sitting in the triage room sucked we both were on our phones more than we talked to each other I think the less we talked about it the less real it was. She cried and I did not so she finally asked without looking me in the eyes how are you doing, and the dreaded why are you not crying? No words.                                                                                                                                    I finally answered and said I am praying for a miracle before the high risk Dr. tells me our baby is gone in my mind she isn’t. She told me she can’t even think about that because she can’t get her hopes up only just to get them crushed again. I understood but I was still holding strong to the slim chance someone was wrong! So we waited for the DR and waited and waited and waited for what seemed like forever. Then in walks this old guy followed by this young girl and the ultrasound machine. They took pictures and talked back and forth and then the old guy started talking. I held my breath for good news but I knew what was coming I could see the baby was not moving. They showed us where the heart was supposed to be and where the blood should be flowing and there was none going through the heart. He kept talking, gave the 20ies something a lesson on the ultrasound machine but I stopped listening. I was numb again. Why is all I could think?

Step two of the OBs plan-I was hoping we would never reach this step but here we are. We were moved to the farthest back corner of the labor and delivery floor. Now in my mind this was because they did not want us to see all the new babies, and also did not want the new moms to see us and get scared.  As we “settled” into our room they started laying out the steps of what was going to happen from here. If bekah went with one procedure there was a 60% chance to rupture her uterus and leave her unable to have kids again, or she could be induced into labor and have the baby like “NORMAL”. WTF normal are you kidding me if this was normal we would be home already making lunch and putting Braxton down for a nap, not choosing how to extract our beautiful child from her mother’s womb. Well we chose the second because we want a big family, but even with the thought of more children scared me I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this again. They do what all Drs do they gave us worse case on everything you know CYA. So we expected this whole procedure to take 24-48hs after they started her medicine to get everything going. Now watching your wife go through sucks bad enough when you can’t do anything about it but extra pain cause people are not great at what they should be good at sucks. They tried 6 freaking times to put in the IV by 3 nurses and one dr. before they finally got it in and then they used the wrong size needle so they had to do it again to draw blood. NOT off to a good start but we are here so I guess we stay, right? What choice do we have at this point. Next they ask bekah if she wants the epidural and she says no originally but then the attending comes in and scares the crap out of Rebekah about how bad this is going to hurt, which then wakes me up from my numbness(wait, what? more pain for her oh hell no). Now mind you we have been here since noon and it is now 5ish and they still have not started her medicine but now I say do the epidural cause I don’t want her in any more pain thinking hey I am helping her make a good decision. Well the decision delays the medicine at least another hour and now means she can’t eat till after she has the baby which could be in two days but she does it cause she can see in my eyes I don’t want her in pain.  I love that woman. But I am a dumb ass man that lets fear lead my heart sometimes. So I regret having her do the epidural now!

My mom came over to sit with us so as they started the epidural we had to leave the room. Oh well it was a chance to call some more people to pray and to eat I was starving as I am sure Bekah was also. As we got back to the room they changed their strategy while I was gone Bekah’s OB called in to check and see her progress and was upset to find out that the hospital still later into the evening had not started her medicine. So the med that were going to be so painful were now not going to be used. (Screeching halt … in my mind when you change plans I need to know why, so we asked our nurse why are they not using the first meds? She answered I don’t know what those meds even are they must be new. WTH who says that to a patient)?  The new meds was inserted in her vaginally and was going to be re inserted every 6 hrs till we have the baby. So it is now 9 pm they get her medicine started. My mother and father in law are just leaving with the kids(they brought them by to say their goodbyes to the baby). It was nice to see how the kids were after being yanked away from us so suddenly earlier in the day at the OB’s office.  This is when I started feeling pain was when kinzley asked when did she get to hold and snuggle the baby. That is when the loss started to hit me.