Part 2

PART 2-

WHY SHOULD MY FAMILY EVER HAVE TO SUFFER A LOSS I HAVE HAD ENOUGH LOSS FOR ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

Now here is where I feel like I should explain why it is so hard for me to actually show emotions. I have had more loss than any one person should ever have to go through. In my thirty years I have buried 2 girl friends, 3 close friends in high school, a great high school track coach and this all before I entered the Marine Corps. My emotions came to an all time constipation of sorts on my second tour in Iraq. I lost many friends while deployed and even more marines lost since I have been home. Due to leading Marines when you lose one you seem to have only one choice: suck it up, be strong and accomplish the mission. So I was a good Marine I never cried “real men don’t cry” was even part of a speech that was given to us while serving in Iraq by a general so I took it to heart. It worked great for the Marines and fighting but for a family man it is a tragedy. My wife married a man who only knew one emotion and that was anger. And unfortunately when my emotions come they come strong.  The past two years I have been doing some real unveiling of my emotions. I had the pleasure of attending a men experiential retreat in July called EdgeVenture (edgeventure.org). This one weekend experience stripped away layers of emotions that I have buried for years. After one weekend my wife said “She sent away her husband and got back her best friend”. I have been working my ass off to change and be more like the man God has created me to be. I have been going to counseling weekly for almost 5 years and trying to change but until attending my EDGE weekend I have not been able to cry and release emotions until then.

Well here it is 10pm Monday night in the hospital, kinzley and Braxton have left with Bill and Jackie. I had a few tears flow with bekah and then my sister in law Natalie came to bless us with a visit. She brought her ipod and worship music and her life experiences. She shared anything we asked about and it was nice to see her and how well she is doing. 2 years ago she lost a child at around 11 weeks. I still was not fully connecting to the whole idea of losing a child and the dreams that come with it. Natalie hung out till at least one am. Bekah fell asleep shortly after Natalie left the room. But her blood pressure alarm kept going off every 5 minutes so it kept waking her up they finally wheeled in an extra bed at 2am for me cause I looked uncomfortable on the floor I guess.

3am and all I hear is Bekah yelling my name to get up she is crying. I looked over at our oh so great nurse and she looked scared. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and hopped up from the bed after an hour of sleep and ran to Bekah’s bed side. The nurse had accidently broken her water trying to insert the next round of medicine. The nurse ducked behind the curtain and called someone on the phone I did not hear what she said but Bekah did and she started to get freaked out and cry harder than before. I got her calmed down and I had to go into the bathroom and get sick I have no clue why but I had to puke. I did as fast as I could put in some gum and got back out to Bekah as fast as possible. When I got out of the bathroom Bekah told me that the nurse said that she felt extremities and bekah thought that meant that the baby was coming apart so I called the nurse back into explain, I was pissed. You made a comment that scared the hell out of my wife and when the attending came in all she said was your baby is sideways and you are going to not push, your body will just push the baby out and you call us to get it when that happens. So I said what the hell is going on I was half asleep can you explain what is going on, and is our baby in pieces? She said, “well the baby will come on its own and I don’t know if it’s in pieces.” Great thanks for freaking nothing. Bekah by this point was getting scary worked up and all I could think about was her having something happen to her cause her blood pressure was already dangerously low. So they intravenously gave her a medicine to help her with anxiety. All I could do was hold her hand and tell her I was here with her. (I swear you feel so useless and helpless in that situation). I then called both our moms and told them come quick her water broke. So at 4:01 am Tuesday morning bekah grabbed me and started helplessly crying the baby just came. So I got her to lay down I lifted up the blanket and saw my daughter. I hit the call button. Looked at bekah and made sure I was holding her I felt a tear on my face land on my hand I watched the nurses’ scoop up the baby and placenta with their hands put in into what looked like a silver dog bowl and take it over to the counter and separate the baby from the after birth. Then I heard it one of the nurses say to the other “do you think they are going to want to hold this.” I was enraged and just as I was about to blow my top the other nurse said “it’s a girl.” I looked in Rebekah’s eyes and I broke, I crumbled over on the side of the bed held Bekah and wept. I wanted a girl so bad. I love kinzley so much and was so excited to have another little princess in the family. even now as I type this out the tears are running down my face. They cleaned off my angel Corbyn and asked us if we wanted to see her and hold her. Umm yeah who wouldn’t want to see their child? I did as I held her small perfectly formed body I wept. How amazing is our God that can make something like that out of nothing. She had my nose and little ears. She had Bekah’s lips, long fingers and toes. Just amazed at how connected I was to this little 7in 2.7 oz baby girl. I have no clue how but from that point our nurse flipped a switch and turned into the perfect nurse. It was like she knew what to do once the baby arrived but the rest of the night prior to that it was like we got the nurse on her first night.

The staff was so good from this point on they treated her with the upmost respect, honored Corbyn as a life and us as having lost a life. The extra steps that the staff and others went to truly made the day one to never forget. A handmade layette to lay Corbyn in, wrapped in a handmade blanket, a memory box with footprints and a birth certificate we felt cared for and taken care of.

Bekah and I had other names picked out for boy or girl but we had to choose something different those, other names meant life and blessing here on earth and it just did not feel right. So bekah and I searched for less than 24 hrs for meanings of names and found Corbyn meaning ascending to God or to one who is with God, and Elizabeth meaning – consecrated or set apart. So the name was set she is with God and is set apart from this earth.

My mother and mother in law showed up by 4:30 and we all just held Corbyn and cried for what felt like days. By 8:30 they left my mom to the gym to hit the boxing gear with her trainer to take out her grieving and sadness, and Jackie home to take care of my two children at her house.

By 11am I was ready to get out of there. We had seen the Chaplin and everyone else. I was so tired and they said we would be out of there by noon. I wanted to get Bekah home and in bed to sleep and be in peace. But then we had to say good bye to Corbyn and I was not ready to do that. I took pictures all morning of the baby. I would have regretted not taking them and by this point I already was carrying too many regrets. We finally said goodbye to Corbyn by holding her praying over her and giving her over to God all while listening to worship music.

We were finally released to go home at 3:30pm Tuesday afternoon.